retraction and emerging

so this post was in fact intended to go before the one previously. however, i often think and then act and then think later. a tragic process that contradicts itself and can make for a life knot. but please forgive enough to over look it and continue on. 

as you have read previously, i made great claims to blog about my so called great life. if you trust my blog, then it would seem that apparently i have done nothing for a series of weeks. untrue. therefore, i have made false promises to myself and to you. i am not sure which one will be affected by permanent damage. probably me, dang it.

nonetheless, i have come to terms with the fact i will not blog regularly or post lots of pictures. two things i do appreciate in most blogs follow. i have found peace in the fact that i will post occasionally and hopefully in words full of wit and a picture here and there. my new resolution is to make no promises and produce big. 

so be patient and keep reading when it comes along. 

instrumental fix

big john, my music mix master

a musical high 

so even as i write this i am watching as the blue upload bar slowly drive itself to the opposite end of the line, waiting for my final hit. i have immersed myself in the anxiousness and twisted pleasure of waiting for that next song to send itself to itunes and filter through my speakers.  .  . it was getting close to midnight and i contemplated the idea of being responsible and going to bed. however, i had decided that despite the list of chores sitting in front of me, going through my saved mp3s on my email sounded much more appealing. so that is what i did. i opened the folder via gmail and began. at first i loved it and delighted in the occasional songs i knew. then somewhere in the middle of it i felt overwhelmed. so many songs to press "download" to and so little patience for them to download and then really give them the attention they needed. but if i didn't do it now, then when would i.  i just kept thinking i wasn't doing this properly. in addition, i was trying to scratch down some notes about the music to later share with the friends and family who sent them to me. it was like i was in college all over again trying to cram through a piece of literature for class the next day. 

then as song number 25 came around, the clouds parted and the gentle warming rays of enjoyment shown down on me as the music gods granted me the gift of something resembling a music high. i began to float amidst the songs in ecstasy. so much music, pumping through my veins and ear valves. i indulged. i overdosed. it was wonderful.  i have never been very good at taking things slow and processing them one at a time. instead i seem to starve, scavenger, overanalyze and then upon discovery devour and ingest based on the false truth that all the previous time in denial justified my throw-caution-to-the-wind-actions. not true, but for a period of time - ever so satisfying. and naturally makes for a good story later, like most thing ridiculous and self-apparent.

so tonight, i close and say thank you b.croxall and big john. thank you. my addiction has been fed and i  fall asleep flooded and exhausted. 

cocoon annihilation

this post and the publication of my blog is a process within a process. as most may know and few realize, i tend to privatize my life into compartments to be shared accordingly and never without caution. i am not sure anyone even knew if this blog existed before this notification and i think i liked it that way. it played more as a venue for stream of thought. 

yet, as the blog age has taken off and some would say taken over, i have come to realize that it is time to put out what i have been doing and stop reading about others (don't be mistaken some of you have very well crafted blogs, i enjoy those, but honestly some are bad, really bad) i am hoping to subscribe to the clever, entertaining, and insightful category, however, that is a tall order that is often shorted. so you can decide and act accordingly. 

as you will see there are some previous posts. written at various stages. feel free to judge some of them as female musings and others as an attempt to trump pretentiousness. i will not apologize for any of them. they are what i wanted them to be at the time. yet, in the future, i will hope to make the blogs a little bit less ambiguous but still retaining a nature of reflection, record-keeping and attempting.  in addition, posts may be random and sporadic, but purposeful. a little like me

this is a hold up

i would like some modifications to the last post. at first reading, i thought, yes and yes. this is what i want. but upon closer inspection. i think not. the battle in my head makes me weary but for now these words will do.

i am obsessed with bhutan, sporks, scarves, vegetables, service, lying on warm rocks, making lists and spooning. i define my life in semesters and i think summers are the perfect time to go somewhere i have never been. i like conversations that involve hand motions and last a whole day. i will never say you are not a genius but i will scratch your arm and tell you things so you will smile. i like to see individual's intelligence, tender actions and your face that says it all. my first love was thailand, yet nepal is the mistress of my thoughts. there was the one who loves foofighters, the catalyst for all my future relationships. and the one i never kissed but fell harder than anyone since and the one i did but left nonetheless. i don't have a dog but i have three brothers, two nephews and a tree that encourages me to defy my roots. i want someone who sees the pointless, and still keeps the purpose in mind. It doesn't interest me what you do for a living, but i want you to ache to be better and to be on par. I want to know what you ache for,and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing or failings. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can travel with wildness, letting me fill you with ecstasy while maintaining an eye for the caution that surrounds us.i want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; and most of all me. i need to know how you got here and how it will make you be in the future. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away and if in those moments we are alone or in a full room if you will fill fulfilled with the company you keep. i believe life is a beautiful paradox and i am blessed to participate. but participation should not be left alone, there needs to be grasping till every last breath is taken and there is still a silver lining.

desert wizard

i have a brother. and he has this life. i am not sure how long he would say it has been. at times i am sure it seemed like a darker eternity in a box with only one window of life. yet, i like to think somehow he didn't know, but had an inkling that he would take it to worlds of worlds. i have a brother who has a deeper understanding. it wasn't always so, though his demeanor perhaps would say otherwise. he has lived a life that wasn't always calculated or planned with efficiency but allowed him to create a space to call home that spoke of his own. he is good at a few things and admires the good in all. he is oblivious and pensive. he has mastered a rare form of thoughtfulness. a picture of rocks, a crack in the ground, the nose of a dog and the eyes of a girl. life electrified.

rainbow pajamas

as i walk around the streets, i see bodies i covet and bodies i despise. i see soft touches, awkward stances, teenage curiousity, solemn confidence and restless struggling. it is during this wandering that my mind sways thoughts together, piecing them into stories and situations. sometimes parts are implemented and fun is had. other times they pass away and are put back into the patience category. i question my worthiness or ability to play the created role i so want to play. at times i feel rushed with a sense of forclosure but then there are those other times, when i am sitting on a couch that cups you in and the light is lit just enough and the music plays the sound i want to feel. i realize that it is about finding someone who makes you smile as you lie there, makes you eager for more, who makes you laugh in one move, and who knows there is more behind the word "good". it as those times you feel slight but influential, gentle but powerful, intelligent but learning, innocent but comfortable, settled but moving forward. and i know that all those moments of piecing is collaging together the path to be taken.

Happy all my life

dear heavenly father, i thank thee.