Sunday, February 15, 2009

this is a hold up

i would like some modifications to the last post. at first reading, i thought, yes and yes. this is what i want. but upon closer inspection. i think not. the battle in my head makes me weary but for now these words will do.

i am obsessed with bhutan, sporks, scarves, vegetables, service, lying on warm rocks, making lists and spooning. i define my life in semesters and i think summers are the perfect time to go somewhere i have never been. i like conversations that involve hand motions and last a whole day. i will never say you are not a genius but i will scratch your arm and tell you things so you will smile. i like to see individual's intelligence, tender actions and your face that says it all. my first love was thailand, yet nepal is the mistress of my thoughts. there was the one who loves foofighters, the catalyst for all my future relationships. and the one i never kissed but fell harder than anyone since and the one i did but left nonetheless. i don't have a dog but i have three brothers, two nephews and a tree that encourages me to defy my roots. i want someone who sees the pointless, and still keeps the purpose in mind. It doesn't interest me what you do for a living, but i want you to ache to be better and to be on par. I want to know what you ache for,and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing or failings. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can travel with wildness, letting me fill you with ecstasy while maintaining an eye for the caution that surrounds us.i want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; and most of all me. i need to know how you got here and how it will make you be in the future. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away and if in those moments we are alone or in a full room if you will fill fulfilled with the company you keep. i believe life is a beautiful paradox and i am blessed to participate. but participation should not be left alone, there needs to be grasping till every last breath is taken and there is still a silver lining.